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Leaving an abusive relationship is never easy, no matter the situation, but neither is learning how to love a trauma survivor. In fact, it’s usually pretty difficult no matter what. It is rarely as simple as walking out the door. Along with concerns about finding a place to live, supporting yourself, or being prevented from seeing loved ones, it might still feel incredibly difficult to break away from someone who caused you harm, especially if there is a deep emotional attachment –– otherwise known as a trauma bond –– that has developed out of a repeated cycle of emotional and physical abuse, devaluation, and positive reinforcement.
The trauma of abuse might create powerful feelings you struggle to make sense of, especially when abuse alternates with kindness and intimacy. There is no shame when this happens.
It’s only natural to develop a bond with anyone who treats you with kindness. In fact, many abusive relationships often begin with a shower of affection and assurances of love. And, when the abuse begins, it may take you by surprise after being treated so nicely. Afterward, your partner might apologize, swear they can change, or insist that behavior isn’t the norm. However, these attempts to manipulate often succeed, since you remember the early days of the unhealthy relationship and believe they can be that kind and loving person again. But trauma bonds don’t just occur in romantic relationships. Trauma bonding can also happen between:
a child and an abusive caregiver or other adult
a hostage and kidnapper
the leader and members of a cult
That is because the definition of a trauma bond is a connection between an abusive person and the individual they abuse, and it typically occurs when the abused person begins to develop sympathy or affection for the abuser. This bond can develop over days, weeks, or months. Not everyone who experiences abuse develops a trauma bond.
You may have heard of Stockholm syndrome, which is a specific type of trauma bond. While this term typically refers to someone who is captive developing positive feelings for their captors, this dynamic can occur in other situations and relationships. 2018 research investigating abuse in athletics suggests that Stockholm syndrome may actually begin when a person experiencing abuse begins to rationalize the actions of the perpetrator.
How does this type of toxic relationship happen? Typically it’s slow over time, and can stem from different emotional catalysts. Feelings of attachment and dependence can contribute to a trauma bond, as can a pattern of emotional and physical abuse and remorse.
According to the National Domestic Violence Hotline, trauma bonds are the result of an unhealthy attachment. By nature, humans form attachments as a means of survival. Consider that babies become attached to the parents or caregivers whom they depend on, and adults form attachments to others who provide comfort or support. When someone’s main source of support is also their abuser, a trauma bond can very easily develop. An abused person may turn to the abusive person for comfort when they are hurt, even if the other person was the one who caused it, because they are their main source of comfort.
A person may also develop a trauma bond due to a dependence. When someone relies on an abusive person to fulfill emotional needs, they can become wholly dependent and unable to get out of a situation with nowhere to go for support. For example, a child relies on their parent or caregiver for love and support, but if that caregiver becomes abusive, the child may start to associate love with abuse. Believing that this association is normal, the child may be unable to see the abusive caregiver as “bad,” and instead may blame themselves for the abuse as a way of making sense of the situation. This allows the caregiver to continue being “good” in the child’s eyes, which reinforces their bond.
Some abusive relationships follow a pattern of abuse, then remorse, which can make it difficult for the victim to ever fully see the abuser as bad. After causing harm, an abusive person may promise to change. To compensate for the abuse, they may be especially kind or romantic, which gives the abused person hope that their suffering will end and that they will one day receive the love or connection that the perpetrator has promised. The person experiencing the abuse may eventually start to see suffering as a price to pay for kindness. Remorseful behavior may also cause the abused person to even feel grateful, particularly if they have become accustomed to poor treatment, which reinforces the bond.
In theory, trauma bonding can occur in any situation that involves one person abusing or exploiting another. Some common situations for trauma bonding to occur are:
domestic abuse
child abuse
incest
elder abuse
exploitative employment, such as one involving people who have immigrated without documentation
kidnapping or hostage-taking
human trafficking
religious extremism or cults
Though, not all of these relationships will end in a trauma bond, which typically develops under specific conditions such a when a person:
perceives a real threat of danger from their abuser
experiences harsh treatment with small periods of kindness
is isolated from other people and their perspectives
believes that they cannot escape
The main sign that a person has bonded with an abuser is that they try to justify or defend the abuse. They may also agree with the abusive person’s reasons for treating them badly, try to cover for the abusive person, or argue with or distance themselves from people trying to help, such as friends, family members, or neighbors. The victim may also become defensive or hostile if someone intervenes and attempts to stop the abuse, such as a bystander or police officer. As a result, they can be reluctant or unwilling to take steps to leave the abusive situation or break the bond.
It is worth noting that these feelings of attachment do not necessarily end once the person leaves the harmful situation. A person may still feel loyal or loving toward the person who abused them or feel tempted to return, even though they know it’s dangerous.
Trauma bonds can look a little different depending on the type of relationship, but they tend to have two main characteristics:
Firstly, a trauma bond typically depends on intermittent reinforcement. It’s generally easier to leave a situation without an emotional attachment, one where the abusive person never offers any kindness. If you don’t believe someone will ever change, it’s less likely that you’ll stay for any length of time. But in abusive relationships, your partner occasionally does treat you well. They might bring you gifts, call you their soulmate, take you out, or urge you to relax. These gestures can be confusing and disarming for the victim, who will often mistake them as signs of permanent change. Eventually, love begins to overshadow the fear of further abuse. As you slowly regain a sense of trust, you might ignore or suppress memories of their past behavior until the cycle begins again.
Trauma bonds also rest on an underlying imbalance of power, where the abuser can control the victim to the point where they no longer know how to resist or break free. Even if you manage to leave the relationship, you might have a hard time breaking that bond without professional help.
It’s not uncommon to feel incomplete or lost without the abuser and eventually return, simply because the abusive cycle is familiar. Trauma bonds can linger, even when the abuse happened long ago.
Here’s a look at some other characteristics of traumatic bonds:
Feeling unhappy, but you still feel unable to end things
When the victim does try to leave, they feel physically and emotionally distressed
When the victim threatens to leave, the abuser promises to change but makes no effort to actually do so
The victim uses “good” days as proof that the abuser truly cares
The victim routinely makes excuses and defends their abuser’s behavior when others express concern
The victim protects the abuser by keeping abusive behavior secret
Breaking a trauma bond can be challenging and may take time, but it is possible. The National Domestic Violence Hotline suggests that people focus on the present. When a victim begins to think about past signs of kindness from their abuser, they can often backslide. Instead, they should try to acknowledge what is currently happening and the impact that it has by pausing to reflect on it. If it is safe to do so, keeping a diary can be helpful.
It’s also helpful for a victim to focus on the abuser’s actual actions, not their words. For instance, if they promise to change but never do, then try to attach the emotion to what they’re showing you, not telling you.
Abuse can also significantly lower a person’s self-esteem and make them feel that they cannot be without the abusive person. Noticing negative self-talk and challenging with positive alternatives can start to change this. And, taking care of oneself may help relieve some stress and reduce the desire to turn to an abusive person for comfort. Journaling, meditation, exercise, hobbies, prayer, or talking to trusted friends can help.
If possible, a victim can also learn about abusive and toxic relationships in order to spot the signs early and reinforce that they are not healthy and create a plan to improve safety and make it possible to leave. Safety plans include personalized steps that an individual can take to protect themselves physically and emotionally. The plan may include:
safe places where someone can go to protect themselves, children, or pets from violence
names and contact information for people who provide support
information about local organizations and services
a way to gather evidence of the abuse, such as a journal with events and dates that a person keeps in a safe place
a plan to leave, considering factors such as money, a safe place to live, and work
a plan for staying safe after leaving, which may include changing locks and phone numbers, altering working hours, and pursuing legal action
The trauma of abuse can have lasting effects on mental and physical health. No one has to cope with this alone.
Victims of a trauma bond or intergenerational trauma are likely to experience pain, a sense of loss, and grief after escaping an abusive situation. An experienced therapist, counselor, or support worker can help someone work through this. It may help to find a therapist who has experience with different types of trauma and abuse survivors. Regardless, a therapist can provide a safe space to talk about all thoughts, feelings, and experiences, and can also identify and treat conditions that may develop as a result of abuse, such as post-traumatic stress disorder, known as PTSD. Advekit online therapy is a safe, and private way to get matched with a therapist with trauma bonding experience.
Support groups offer abuse survivors places to share their stories with others who understand. This can help a person feel less alone and remind them that there are others who care.
People in support groups may also share tips on coping and staying safe, and provide other practical advice about moving on from an abusive situation.
If a person develops an anxiety disorder or depression as a result of abuse, medications may help relieve some of the symptoms. However, any prescriptions will need to come from a medical practitioner or psychiatrist.
Trauma bonding occurs when a person experiencing abuse develops an unhealthy attachment to their abuser. They may rationalize or defend the abusive actions, feel a sense of loyalty, isolate themselves from others, and hope that the abuser’s behavior will change, but it hardly ever does. Breaking a trauma bond and recovering can be a long journey, and recognizing the true nature of the bond is an important first step. Trusted family members, friends, other survivors, counselors, support services, and therapists can all help a person heal and move on from the experience in a healthy way.
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